A year ago I was working through my issues with trust, an on-going process that has kept my psyche occupied for years. I'm always finding another level of "not trusting" - whether it be my creative self, the flow of the universe, my ability to create easy abundance or viable relationships - whatever playing field I've chosen for the moment. The particular issues at the time are not important here because I discovered something very basic within myself that may apply to many of us traveling through our dense, creative world of many forms!

            I meditate these days while walking my dog along a towpath lining a canal behind my house. It's beautiful at 6 o'clock in the morning when we walk. The birds are waking up, squabbling among themselves. The air is usually clear and clean. The trees are old and tall, offering a cathedral-like atmosphere at different intervals along my route. Some days deer run across my path. Everyday small animals of various sorts scurry out of the way of my ancient, companionable Labrador. Most mornings, I have the pleasure of watching a large, gray heron fly before us in measured increments, staying just ahead of us, until it finally soars high into the air to circle back behind us. That heron and my ever-faithful dog had become my symbols for a new style of inner traveling which I had been exploring.

            On the particular morning in question, I decided that I needed to enter my inner space to seek out that part of me which had lost its ability to trust the flow of abundance and love in the universe. I silently asked Mac, my Lab, and my beautiful avian friend to accompany me on my journey. We hadn't "gone" far when a vision came to me. It surprised me because it was an old vision, one I had seen many years before in a group hypnosis session while lying on the floor of a ballroom in Scottsdale, Arizona in 1977. At that time, I was participating in a past-life regression to my "first life on earth". This turned out to be a gimmick of the seminar leader to start people thinking about a simultaneous approach to reincarnation. I was startled because I "saw" myself as a Neanderthal woman, bent over, with long hair growing on my back and a baby clinging to me as I foraged in the ground for grubs and roots. Now that wasn't so surprising considering the hypnotist's suggestion; however, above that primitive form was another "light being", shining and beautiful, human in form but not substance. When the hypnotist would ask his questions, both forms would send out answers - different but simultaneous. The primitive woman would grunt her replies that were simple and direct. The light being sent out highly evolved thoughts, sophisticated and, somewhat, impatient. After coming out of that trance, I was embarrassed by the experience, thinking that I had either "done it wrong" or that I was deeply disturbed and didn't know it. I chose to write down the material and quickly stuff it away where I conveniently forgot about it.

            But here it was again! I'm asking to find the part of myself that lost the ability to trust and what do I get? A cave woman and a light being! Well, my conscious mind reasoned, I guess my job here is to raise the awareness of the primitive self. I turned my attention in her direction. As soon as I did that, the light being began barraging me with thoughts. "What do you want to help her for? Look at her! She's a brute! She's pathetic! She's an animal! Why pay attention to her?"

            I was shocked. As these thoughts descended from the higher light being, the poor physical woman cowered deeper into the earth. She shrank from the attack, a look of despair and helplessness on her already sad face. I didn't know what to do. I'd always believed that "light beings" were enlightened, not judgmental and harsh. How could a higher part of myself be so critical and cruel? I pulled back and returned to normal awareness, focusing my attention on the physical world around me as I continued my morning walk.

            Later as I processed the experience, I realized that I had witnessed something very basic in my being. This symbolic "scene" reflected my life-long struggle with low self-esteem. I have worked on this issue for decades, first in therapy settings dealing with my difficulties growing up, then later from a metaphysical perspective, countering my beliefs with positive new thoughts and affirmations. I had made much progress, but I continued to come up against a very thick wall of belief that, in one way or another, would reflect back to me that I did not believe I was good enough, or smart enough, or attractive enough, or kind enough, and on and on.

            My work involves counseling people from a metaphysical perspective. I find that no matter what the issue is that a person brings to my office, when we dig deeply enough into his or her beliefs, we inevitably come up against this very same wall of "not good enough". It's that basic core belief which seems to create most of our limitations here on the earth plane. We act out our dramas in a myriad of forms, on very creative and different playing fields. Some of us struggle with relationships; some with money; some with creative expression; some with body image. No matter what forms we create, if our basic root assumption is that we're less than we think we should be, that we are "junk" (there's a wonderful poster that I use as a metaphor with clients. It's a dirty, bedraggled child with a sticky face and drooping diaper. Over his head are the words, "God Don't Make No Junk!"), then we will mirror that assumption back at ourselves over and over in our many, many layers of drama throughout our multidimensional selves.

            The more I thought about the images that I had seen, the more I realized that this inner enactment was a personal version of the Biblical "Fall"; the separation of matter from spirit; the development of the ego as it forgot that it created the forms with which it plays and became separate; the alienation of the illusory physical world from its inner source. Whatever metaphor we choose, the message has been the same for a long time. The material world is the lesser of the two. Whether one comes from the Judaic-Christian tradition of Adam and Eve eating an apple from the tree of knowledge only to be banished from the Garden, or the Eastern perspective with its wheel of karma and the individual's constant search for enlightenment and ultimate freedom from form, the implication is that the world of matter is inferior and our task is to fight our way back to spirit, throwing off the nasty shackles of flesh and desires. Judgment seems to be implicit in the archetype that permeates all of our religions and belief systems - judgment that we are indeed inferior beings because we are part of the material world.

            What does this mean to the basic issue of self-esteem? Personally, I have struggled with those feelings and beliefs throughout my life. That struggle has brought me much learning about myself. I have let go of many negative patterns that hurt others as well as myself - defensive behaviors, unwarranted judgments, inappropriate actions. I have learned that as I judge others, I judge myself. That insight has brought me much personal freedom. I continue that work daily. But low self-esteem is a larger issue than just my personal struggles and learning. Gloria Steinem wrote a best seller a few years ago entitled The Revolution Within. She explored the issue of low self-esteem as a political one. When we create our institutions and governments from a position of "not being good enough", we create structures that foster discrimination and bigotry, competition instead of cooperation, nationalism rather than humanism, greed and destruction instead of caring, ecological concern for all life. I could go on and on but I think the point is clear. Until we value our earth experience, we continue to create forms reflecting our contempt for our very existence. This is true on all levels of our being. We create within ourselves struggles between our own aspects or multidimensional selves. We create struggles within our families, wars between men and women, between parents and children. Our nations fight, each grabbing what it believes it needs to "prove" its worth. Perhaps it's time to put these struggles to sleep?

            Back to my personal dilemma. The next morning, I decided that I needed to re-enter my inner space and deal with this disturbing situation. Again, requesting that my dog and heron accompany me, I began my journey. As I traveled inward, I sent out a request for help. I knew that I couldn't do this alone. I didn't have a clue as to what to do on any conscious level I could muster. My mind was boggled by the conundrum I had discovered within myself. As I walked along the canal, begging my inner self for help, surrendering the entire issue to "guidance", I suddenly saw the vision once again. There they were - the cave woman cowering toward the earth, the light being floating imperiously above her. Then something wonderful happened. I "watched" as I and the two images before me were surrounded by thousands of selves - my selves. I could sense layers and layers of incarnational aspects of my being around us, sending emanations of love directly toward us. I witnessed that love reaching under the image of the two selves, raising them up equally, transforming them into beautiful beings, light forms both, which then joined all the wonderful forms I witnessed around us. I was awed by the performance. As I watched, I was again surprised to see the huge conglomeration of forms reach out and grab a reincarnational self with whom I had been working for several years. This aspect was bitter and angry, deeply believing that life was unfair and would always end in loss and poverty. She had not responded to my conscious attempts to release her from these dire beliefs, and I, on occasion, had to cut ties with her and refuse to allow her to influence my current reality. (I was, of course, learning about using my power on inner playing fields with my own aspects as participants!) Now, the greater Self was pulling her into Its orbit of love. She couldn't resist and soon she too was glowing light. Tears streamed down my physical face. I felt incredible love coming from my inner Self. I arrived home from my walk feeling as if I could accomplish anything I chose.

            Later as I processed what happened to me, I realized that I had experienced the accumulated love of all my earth experiences - that those very experiences that had been judged "less" by the root assumption that the inner is better than the outer, that spirit is superior to matter, that humanity is merely clay - had learned to Love. I thought and still think that I've been blessed with a glimpse into our potential and our purpose here. Jane Roberts, author of the Seth books, talked frequently about "creaturehood" as the doorway to All That Is. When we value our bodies, our physical senses, our emotions, our earthiness, we find the doorway to our true Self where we are such wonderful creatures of creation.